“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” ~ Brendan Francis
I spend a lot of time alone. I always have. I don’t recall spending a lot of time with friends as a child and, having been single since the end of June 2011, I regularly get in from my day job on a Friday and don’t leave the house again until Monday morning.
I have three friends, my sister, and. . .that’s it.
I’m fortunate in that I rarely feel lonely–I’m emotionally resilient and I have plenty of interests to keep me occupied–but yesterday I experienced quite possibly the most terrible bout of loneliness I’ve ever had.
The first sign was constantly checking facebook and twitter. For all that these are great ways to stay in touch with the world they can have the opposite effect if no one interacts with you (and I don’t like to tweet just for the sake of it). I’m not even bothered about attention – I stopped being an attention whore when I gave up acting in 2003.
But, by the time I was sitting on the sofa with my head in my hands, I knew that I had to do something about it. I’m not one to ask for help, so I didn’t pick up the phone and call anyone, but here’s what has worked, and still works, for me.
- Exercise: For me, exercise has three benefits. It lifts my mood, contributes to my physical wellbeing, and reinforces the feeling that I’ve achieved something rather than wasted a perfectly good day moping around the house.
- Music: When I’m feeling blue, any song with a sad lyric or melody is sure to send me over the edge. (It will kill a good mood, too.) I have a playlist on iTunes called “Faves” and it’s full of the happiest, funkiest, up-tempo tracks in my collection. Tracks with any negative association, no matter how small, don’t make it onto this playlist so it’s sure to put a smile back on my face.
- Writing: Am I lonely because I write to or do I write because I’m lonely? Whatever the answer, I know that spending time with characters I know and love is almost as good as being with my friends. I understand these people and I enjoy spending time with them. What I do have to be careful of is writing scenes that further chip away at feelings of isolation so I write scenes in which my characters have fun. I know I may never use these scenes but I find it a good exercise for me.
- Check the Calendar: I have many wonderful things to look forward to so flicking through the calendar reminds me that I’ll soon be celebrating happy occasions with people I love.
- Housework: If you ever see me cleaning–and I mean really cleaning–you’ll know I’m upset. Like exercise, housework helps me to feel like I’ve accomplished something. In addition, I can enhance it through listening to music or an audiobook to keep my mind off being alone.
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Stuart, i feel the same way..I seem to find myself lonely a lot these days …I emerse my self in my characters and it does help a lot and i have recently started excersising (though I have physical limitations) And I can always got to my playlist and click on Alanis Morrisett (she does have the F the world attitude at times saying things id never dare) Thanks for sharing!!
Hey, Cathy!
It has taken me some time to understand myself, my limitations, and my coping mechanisms. Sometimes we have to reach the cliff edge to realise we’ve strayed off the beaten path!
If you can find what works for you, I think you’ll be set
Hugs and kisses,
Stu xoxox
Having the ability to be alone is a gift, in my view. So many people constantly chase company to avoid being alone with themselves, which is rather sad (in the traditional sense of the word!) if you think about it. But loneliness is an unavoidable by-product, especially if your main occupation is solitary or if you live alone and it is essential to devise these coping mechanisms.
I agree with you about social media. On the one hand it offers connection, on the other it seems to say “look how busy/popular/happy everyone else is!”
Thanks for sharing, Stuart. Just one thing worries me about what you say: “I’m not one to ask for help.” I have a child like that and it hurts me. Don’t deny those you love the opportunity to be there for you.
Hi, Jo
Yes, I think I’ve reached the point where I’m sustaining myself because I’ve never, ever had a partner who was really there for me – and that’s in 16.5 year’s worth of relationships!
I should reach out when I feel a bit vulnerable. I have a wonderful sister and some good close friends who wouldn’t just trot out the platitudes that so many people do. I’m missing a trick!
I hope you’re able to bring your child around. I know I don’t know you very well but I know you’re a loving, fun, affectionate person so they’re missing a trick, too!
Much love,
Stu x
Stuart, I am much like you. I enjoy being by myself, however I am a mother of four and a wife, so that might be why. I am happy living in my head. I don’t need outside interaction to make myself feel happy. When I was in middle school I noticed I would talk all the time, no matter if I had something important to say. Talk just to fill the silence. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized silence was beautiful. Not every waking moment had to be filled with pleasing others.
Besides writing, one of my passions is music. Popping in some JayZ or Snoop brightens my mood quickly. I am a horrible dancer…seriously white girl moves gone wild, but dancing around the kitchen while dinner cooks with my kids is golden. A little dougie over dinner never hurts;)
You are a beautiful talent Mr. Wakefield so ask for help when you need it. Doesn’t make you weak, just seems you know yourself. Have a great day:)
Hi, Summer.
I think if I had a husband and four children I might barricade myself in the bathroom for a little peace and quiet!
It’s interesting that you dance in the kitchen because I do the same. Well, I did; they built houses at the bottom of my garden so I’m suddenly aware of my potential audience. Now I dance in the bathroom, ha ha.
Keep writing and keep dancing, Summer. I think both are good for the soul.
Much love,
Stu x